A Guide to Philosophers Here at the Bistro

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After Wode Toad locked him out of the building last week, Chef Robert got a little behind schedule and asked me to pick up some of the slack. He tasked me with putting together a guide to some of the Philosophers we serve here at the Bistro. Customers have been asking, for instance, what Philosopher goes best with a wine spritzer. Especially because we’re so eclectic in the ingredients we use – insisting only that our Philosophers be organic and free of blue mold – we thought this guide would be a big help. Here’s the first installment:

We especially seek out Philosophers whose heads can also be used as sundials.

  • Name: Socrates. Just Socrates.
  • Qualities: Refined and classic, with a mild hemlock aftertaste.
  • Pair with: Rationality, questioning authority, figs.

Some commentators have expressed surprise at Hegel’s fondness for metaphors involving owls. They haven’t studies this picture.

  • Name: Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (in the American South he would have been called Billy Fred).
  • Qualities: Thick and hard to cut, like a well aged cheese, alleged to induce Naziism.
  • Pair with: Any counter-fascist agent, sardines.

 Portrait of Cousin It as a Young Man.

  • Name: Friedrich Nietzsche
  • Qualities: Literary styling, anti-rationalism, alleged to induce Naziism.
  • Pair with: Penicillin.

Only Charlie Chaplain could make that mustache work.

  • Name: Martin Heidegger
  • Qualities: A crisp, authentic taste. Actual Naziism – no allegations necessary.
  • Pair with: Atonement, Pepto Bismol.

  • Name: Hannah Arendt
  • Qualities: Diagnosing totalitarianism, never banal.
  • Pair with: Chateau Le Pin Pomerol 1999. (We’re usually out. Try the spritzer!)

Ah! The teeths. They burns us. 

  • Name: Joel Osteen
  • Qualities: Perky, hair can also be used as scouring pad.
  • Pair with: Prosperity gospel, brylcreem.

Putting the deep in Deepak since sometime a little after 1947.

  • Name: Deepak Choprah
  • Qualities: The warm feeling you get from a little too much wine or just before you freeze to death.
  • Pair with: Discontinued – too many customers thought they were ordering the Tupac (exactly as NSFW as you would probably expect).

Photo credits: Some Greek dude,  probably some German dude, some romantic dude – most likely a Czech or something, you gotta think some Nazi, right?, almost surely a beatnik, I’m guessing Deepak.

2 thoughts on “A Guide to Philosophers Here at the Bistro”

  1. I got a lot of laughs over this one, especially the part about Billy Fred, from now on every irritating redneck I see is getting called Billy Fred.

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